First Light
by erudite malice
Summary: After their engagement,as Edward and Bella's lives finally seem to settle, a terrible truth shatters their world.Would they be able to join the pieces and have their happily ever after? An in depth and emotional portrayal of their relationship. AU. M because it will become so,as the story progresses.
1. The end, again

**Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephanie** **Meyer. No copyright infringement** is **intended through this story.**

**FIRST LIGHT**

"Living is a sickness to which sleep provides relief every sixteen hours. It's a palliative. The remedy is death."

Sebastien Roch Nicholas-De Chamfort

**Chapter 1 – The end, again**

**Bella sat there, numb. It had happened to her before, a time which she always wanted to forget but still it came back to her again and again like a haunting nightmare.**

**It was not like before. He had not left her, yet. He is still standing here; her heart reassured her on its own accord. But his words, however different, still had the same effect, still had the same intensity, to knock her breath out, to make her body go numb and her mind go blank. Her knees would have given out, if she had been standing.**

"**Bella", he called, voice pleading. Her name was always like a prayer to him. He let the words form on his lips, like the gentlest of caresses, like the softest of whispers. It would always like this, but his voice was pleading today. Edward knew that today everything could change. His life was centered on Bella. She was his life, or existence, as he didn't truly think he had a life; his reason for existence. He could not imagine his existence without her; still his mind went to the long six months he spent without her. He had not fared well, almost ended his existence. But to imagine an eternity without her, it was unbearable. His long dead heart clenched in agony, and he let out a muffled cry of despair, too low for Bella to hear.**

**Hesitantly, Edward placed his hand on top of Bella's hand. Almost instantly, something snapped inside her. She withdrew her hand and held it against her chest. "Don't touch me", she muttered.**

**It was like a fire had burned Edward's hand. He could not control his pent up emotions anymore. He backed away from her and crossed to the other side of the meadow in half a second. He started breaking rocks, uprooting trees. His strong muscles flexed with every movement and he destroyed them like playthings. His pent up emotions always gave way to fury; uncontrollable, unrestrainable fury. Anger. Not on Bella, never on Bella. On himself, always on himself.**

**Bella was seeing all this with unseeing eyes. She was a witness to his fury before. She had seen it a couple of times, but did not fear him. It was like an inborn instinct of her to never fear him, the most dangerous of creatures. Then she saw a flash of his face, and her heart cried out. Even with a mask of fury and determination, she could see a myriad of emotions, sheer agony, guilt, hopelessness, hatred and most dominant of all, pain. Edward was in pain. As soon as she realized this, her heart cracked open. She could not bear Edward's pain.**

"**Edward", a soft voice reached Edward's ears. It was strong enough to break his state of frenzy. He looked across the field, into the bottomless, chocolate brown orbs and lost himself in the** **depths. So slowly, even for a human, he came and sat beside her. When so near to her, he could not look straight in her eyes. He was ashamed of himself, guilt ridden.**

**Bella did not know what to do. Her heart screamed at her to help and comfort him. He would always remain before her in her list of priorities, no matter how much he hurt her. But her mind still was blank, still lost somewhere and her body still numb. They sat there for what seemed like an eternity. She; sitting on a log, shoulders slumped, hands still folded tightly against her midsection, her body hunched so much that she was on the verge of falling. He, on the other side; was beside her on his knees, hands clenched in tight fists, knuckles white with restraint; hands that wanted to hold her, comfort her. Head bowed, shoulders bending, it seemed like he was praying. What both of them didn't seem to notice was that, they were both angling towards each other. Heads separated only by a mere inches; always gravitating towards each other.**

**After what seemed like a very long time, Edward raised his head, still not looking straight in her eyes.**

"**I'm sorry Bella. You don't know how sorry I am. I have hurt you so many times… I'm the most miserable excuse for a creature. How undeserving I am of your love and affection. I'm a monster who has tainted you again and again with his monstrosities, blasphemies, lies. It shames me so much… I can't even ask for your forgiveness. I'll beg and grovel on my knees for the rest of eternity for your acceptance, as I know you can't forgive me this time. I'm a monster, truly a monster…"**

"**Edward"**

**A soft, almost broken whisper interrupted his almost incomprehensible fast paced speech. He slowly raised his eyes and looked in those chocolate brown orbs, and lost his train of thought. His head reeled with the sudden emotion. Sudden, because it was against his inborn instinct to fear anything. Fear, undiluted and pure fear gripped him. Her eyes were dead. They did not shine with love and affection for him, which he was so used to seeing and which every time astounded him with wonder. How such a lovely creature could love a soulless demon, he** **always wondered. But it was not like this now. These eyes did not pour love, care and affection to him. They did not shine with amusement, as they did before, when he fell knowingly into her pranks; when she saw him and Emmett fighting; when Alice danced around the house. They did not even shimmer with jewel like tears, sadness and desolation, which he hated to see, but saw quite often, when she thought of her long lost best friend Jacob; when she was met with heated glares of Rosalie; when her father pulled her into a hug; whenever she wrote e-mails to her mother. They were not unfocussed, as he saw almost every day, whenever he pulled her into a hug; when he kissed her senseless; when she concentrated very hard on something; when he 'dazzled' her.**

**They were dead. Those endearing chocolate brown orbs that glimmered with an ocean of emotions were dead, he realized with painful certainty and his long dead heart finally broke and** **shattered**.

"**Don't leave me Bella. I can't live without you. Please Bella, don't leave Me.", his voice broke on the last words. He started to shake with uncontrollable and inaudible sobs.**

**Bella gasped when she saw Edward… weeping. She had never witnessed this sight before. She had never seen him so… broken. The Edward she knew was a pillar of strength. She could always lean upon him. He was the one who always comforted her, consoled her. She was always the one, who needed his comfort, his solace. Edward, her pillar of strength, was kneeling before her, shaking with inaudible, painful sobs. Finally, the numbness that enveloped her dissipated, her mind was no longer blank, it pulsated with an ocean of emotions, ranging from anger, frustration, sadness to care, affection and most powerful of all, love. The unchanging, unconditional, irrevocable love she only felt towards this broken angel kneeling in front of her. She could no longer control herself and threw her arms around him.**

**Edward's body stiffened and his sobs abruptly stopped, but the tremors continued. Almost as an instinct, his strong, muscular, granite arms enveloped her small, frail body protectively. He clanged to her for dear life. Bella was always his greatest strength as well as his greatest weakness. He crushed her to his chest with the gentlest of pressure. His hard, granite body molded itself into its most gentlest of form, for her, even that on instinct. He was always aware of her fragility and frailness. But what astounded him now was Bella's reaction. She clanged to him even tighter as if his yearning for her was reciprocated. The lost, dead look in her eyes; he shuddered involuntarily; contrasted sharply with her reaction to him now.**

**But he didn't want to dwell on this fact now. He did not want to lose this piece of heaven in the midst of the hellish time in which they were captured.  
**

_Author's note – Chapter 2 coming up. My first shot at writing fiction. Tell me how it is. Please review._


	2. revelation

**Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended through this story.**

**Author's note – I have mentioned the Denali coven here, with some changes. I have ignored the mention of Tanya in Midnight Sun (Also the property of Stephenie Meyer). Read it in a new perspective. Hope you enjoy! **

**CHAPTER 2 – REVELATION**

**It was like time had stopped. They both did not know how long they stood there, in the meadow, in each other's embrace. It was in these times that they completely forgot about their location, time, situations that surrounded them, and other inconsequentials. A bubble encompassed them. Two bodies, one soul; one could say, and according to Edward it was true because he didn't believe that he had a soul.**

**Slowly, Edward lifted Bella's head from his chest. Even in such a close proximity, he wanted Bella to be more nearer to him. He wanted to close the short distance that separated them. Hesitantly, he started to lean his head towards her. Understanding his motives, Bella also leaned towards him. She stared at his lips. Those lips, hard and cold, which molded on her soft and plump ones with the gentlest and softest of pressure. Those lips, which uttered words of love and devotion to her. Those lips, which a moment ago, speaking those repulsive words had brought her world crashing down.**

_**They had been sitting in their meadow. She was basking in Edward's glory, the love, care and goodness that radiated out of him. Even if he was ice cold and hard, she always felt warm in his presence. Protected, loved, and cared. Safe. She smiled at him and noticed that he was not at ease today. A storm of emotions was brewing behind his golden orbs.**_

"_**What's the matter?" , she asked, placing a warm hand on his cheek.**_

_**A tumult of emotions was raging inside Edward. How to tell her this, what would she think and most importantly what effect would it have on their relationship. He should have told her this earlier, he chastised himself, not at this point of their relationship. But he never considered it really important.**_

_**The time he spent with Bella was solely concentrated on her. All his attention was focused on her. All his senses were so attuned to Bella that he could not concentrate on anything except her. That night when she first asked him about Tanya, he was so dumbfounded that he was rendered speechless. The unease which Bella felt, the pangs of jealousy that surrounded her questions which she tried to disguise; he could feel it, was aware of it. Never before he was so shocked that left him struggling for words. He had pondered on telling her all about Tanya, but realized it could be too much for her, with all the mayhem of Victoria coming for her, newborn vampires in Seattle, werewolves, the Volturi, the graduation date coming closer, it could be too much for her. A more possessive and jealous side of him was worried about Jacob, what role he would play in this predicament. So he settled on telling her half the truth that Tanya's affections were one sided. Yes, it was true that he never reciprocated her feelings even to the slightest degree, Bella would always be his one and only love, his true love, his reason for existence; but the truth wasn't limited to the single line he had told her. He had promised to bella's sleeping form that night, that he would tell her the whole truth soon.**_

_**But then situations worsened, an army of newborn vampires came for Bella; his concentration was wholly fixated on saving his reason for existence. No other thoughts seemed relevant at that excruciating time.**_

_**In the past few peaceful days, the thought of telling her the truth was completely hovering in his mind. He had been tense, aggravated those past few days. Today, as they were sitting in their meadow, Bella on his lap, plucking random flowers and grass, humming a beautiful melody, the sun glinting on her ring and throwing rainbows; he realized that the moment of revelation had come. He could not join her in her peaceful state of mind, her happy melodies, and it showed on his face. Bella had finally looked into his face and asked him about his worries. He had to answer. She was waiting expectantly. The moment had finally come.**_

"_**Bella I have to tell you something.", he said looking at her engagement ring.**_

"_**Yes, go on.", she encouraged, leaning into him further, almost involuntarily.**_

"_**Bella, when you last asked me about Tanya..."**_

_**Bella's breath caught in her throat. What role did Tanya play in this conversation? She noticed Edward's worried gaze and composed herself. She knew he would never continue if he felt that this was making her uncomfortable. So she smiled an encouraging smile and urged him to continue.**_

"_**Bella I told you that she showed a…slight…interest in me and I let her know that I did not reciprocated her feelings." He paused and then stared right ahead. "Bella, love it was the truth but not the end of the story."**_

_**Bella's heartbeat grew so audible that even she could hear it ringing in her ears. She tried to gather herself. "Go on", she whispered too low for human ears to hear.**_

_**Edward's breath started coming fast, a habit when he was extremely nervous about something, Bella observed. So she placed her left hand atop his.**_

_**He continued in a fast pace. He wanted to get this over. "When we visited Alaska many decades ago, we were met with Carmen and Elezear, when we were hunting. We noticed their strange golden color, which reflected our own eye color. On further inquisition they told us that they were mates and lived with a group of three vampires. They were all vegetarians and maintained a permanent residence nearby the area. I knew they were telling the truth as I could read their thoughts. Alice and jasper had not joined us at that time. Carlisle, who is always keen on finding…'good' vampires, was greatly impressed by them and wanted to meet all of them in person. They accompanied us to their house, where we met the other three, all women. Carmen introduced them as Kate, Irina, and…Tanya."**_

_**He paused and looked at Bella. Even if her stance was uncomfortable and clearly worried, she disguised it. Bella's trusting brown orbs gave Edward the encouragement to continue.**_

"_**When we were introducing ourselves, I noticed Tanya staring at me. I could read her thoughts. First she noticed that I was alone, with two pairs of mate. Then she scrutinized me head to toe and settled that I was…well…sort of good looking. Her thoughts were solely concentrated on me and this thing irritated me to no end."**_

_**Bella's heart started thumping quite frantically. She realized that something was very bad about all this.**_

"_**I felt uncomfortable by her crude scrutiny and… absurd fantasies. So I decided to tell all of them that I could read their minds, because I thoughts that this would stop her…raw thoughts. All of them were quite surprised and tried to control their private thoughts. But Tanya remained unwavered, and worse her thoughts became more…licentious. There was something evil about her, and something hidden, I could sense it. She approached me several times but I always curbed her in a gentlemanly way. There was some special power about her but she hid it from me. I tried to remain as far away from her as possible. It was all becoming very uncomfortable for me."**_

_**He kept looking at Bella and continued, "One day as we were all sitting and discussing on the idea of afterlife for us. I felt Tanya's hand on my…thigh; I was so shocked that I rebuked her in front of others. Tanya, well, she just ran out of her house, feeling embarrassed I thought. Esme, feeling bad for her, chastised me and told me to go after her, apologize, and bring her back. I flatly refused. I was well aware of Tanya's fantasies, her evilness…sometimes I felt like I was drawn to her without my own will. It was like I had become a puppet to her whims and fantasies, and then somebody would come and her…spell would be broken. Esme didn't know all this and I didn't tell anybody because I felt that even if she was wicked, she was a lady, and I didn't want to ruin a lady's dignity. Esme insisted continuously for days, that I should bring her back to her home. All the other members of her coven also insisted and told me that she was very…" 'stubborn' he thought, it was an endearment he used for Bella, no he would not taint it by using it for someone so evil. "…pig headed and would not come on their insistence. So I gave up and went after her. I was never a good tracker…you know that…and I thought that I could use it to my own advantage. I would come back and tell them that I could not find her."**_

_**Bella smiled at this. She was feeling a little relieved, but Edward did not return the smile.**_

_**He continued, "I went in the forest to find her. Suddenly I felt someone was following me. I turned backwards and saw Tanya…following me."**_

_**Bella's smile abruptly vanished. Her short lived moment of relief was over.**_

"_**Tanya came up towards me. Suddenly a strange gleam came to her eyes, almost bluish in color. I was perplexed and my mind abruptly became blank. I remembered an acute pain in my head."**_

_**Bella's head shot up and her hands went automatically to Edward's head as if to relieve the pain he had felt many decades ago. Edward smiled a painful smile and nuzzled his head on Bella's shoulder. He knew that the most difficult part had come now. He braced himself, sealed away his long dead heart and continued.**_

"_**There was an accompanying pain in my…groin. An unnatural…yearning I had never experienced before…"**_

_**Bella's breaths started coming in gasps. She started hyperventilating. This was bad, very bad, she thought. Suddenly, the iron grip of Edward's arms started feeling like metal chains. She started feeling claustrophobia. The confined space started closing down upon her. Her hands grew clammy.**_

"_**Bella, Love..", Edward said, worry seeping in his tone.**_

_**Edward I…I…want some space."**_

_**Bella started to squirm from Edward's arms; not succeeding. He immediately dropped his hands, realizing her motives. Bella stood dazedly and started walking; Edward followed her ready to catch her if she fell. Then she slumped, almost fell on a nearby log. She sat there. He sat beside her, kneeling, arms outstretched, as if to catch her delayed fall.**_

"_**I need a minute." Bella said**_

"_**Love, I'm…"**_

"_**Edward, please…just give me a minute."**_

_**If he was human, Edward would have been hyperventilating by now, his heartbeat would have been double the rate at which Bella's heart was beating, his whole body would have been drenched in cold sweat. But, no he was not a human, so his body remained rigid just like a statue. His body betrayed his inner turmoil.**_

"_**Continue", Bella's soft voice reached his ears. He looked up into her eyes to gauge her reaction, but they were closed. So he just continued.**_

"_**I could see the ray of bluish light emanating from her eyes. I could see things, hear things, but my mind was not in my control anymore. She was smiling and I can remember her saying that she had waited for so long for this day. That she couldn't control herself anymore. That she had been successful in hiding her powers from me. She was a succubus Bella. She could…mate any man she liked, however unwilling or strong of will, by her powers. This was her power, no one could escape it or shield from it, even the most powerful ones. My aloofness and strong headedness had appealed to her. I could hear her saying but could not make any sense of her words. And then my mind went completely blank. I can't remember anything that happened after that. And then…"**_

_**He paused, clenched his hands in tight fists and closed his eyes.**_

"_**Then, what…?" Bella asked in almost clinical voice. Her mind was zoning in and out of the conversation. She could not concentrate, her head was reeling and a sudden wave of nausea was slowly coming to her. It was worse than all her thoughts. Her ears were so full of her own heartbeat, that the words coming from Edward's lips sounded coming from a very far distance. But deep inside her head she knew that this was just a prelude, the real thing was coming now. How she wished that it was just a nightmare. But she somehow knew that this was reality.**_

"_**Then, what Edward?" she asked, in the same clinical voice.**_

_**Edward's world was also shattering into bits and pieces. He could not live without Bella. Then in almost a broken whisper, he said**_

"_**When I became aware, I was…Bella…I was lying on the forest floor…naked…with Tanya beside me…"**_

_**This was the point where she had become numb, not by special powers, just held captive by her own brain refusing to accept the blatant truth.**_

**Those lips, that a moment ago, had spoken those repulsive words, and brought her world crashing down, were inching towards her. She jerked her head and pushed him away from her.**

_Author's note – Thankyou __**Constance loves twilight **__and __**Frostedglaze **__for your reviews. Hope you liked this chapter._

_Please people, if you read this story, please review also. Tell me how it is. It keeps me going.. _


	3. Slow burn

**Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended through this story.**

**Author's note – From this chapter onwards the story will be told through Bella's point of view. It's her story, so I'm letting her disclose it.**

**Some text has been taken from Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**CHAPTER 3 – SLOW BURN**

**Those lips had lost their appeal to me. Now they constantly reminded me of the revolting words that had been spoken through them. They reminded me of the lies, of the betrayal.**

"**Don't you dare, Edward Cullen." I shrieked in pure anger.**

**My shove on his granite chest must have felt like nothing, but, still his body jerked backwards, in what I assumed, shock.**

"**Bella, Love…", he began saying**

**I could not take anything from those lips. Even the endearment which I once loved was now like a lie to me, another blasphemy.**

"**Don't call me that. It doesn't mean anything to you." My numbness had fully dissipated. Now what I was feeling was pure anger.**

"**Bella, please don't say that. You are my one and only love, my everything."**

**I couldn't control myself anymore. My anger had reached its limit.**

"**Really, Edward? That is why you hurt me so much? I love you to the core of my heart…" I still did. This thing could not change, ever. "…but that doesn't mean you can do anything you want to me. You left me, with a lie. So easy it was for you to leave. You were never planning to come back, and then you call me your reason for existence! I brought you back and was overjoyed…" Overjoyed was such an understatement. "…to welcome you back in my life. I begged you to change me countless times, so that we could be together, but you refused me. You refused my decision to join your family. You have not wholly accepted my decision to become a vampire even now. When I asked you to...consummate our relationship, you refused, again. You lied to me about your virtue. You had already…done it with Tanya. And now at the verge of the wedding, you are telling me that you that you had…"**

**My ranting stopped because my mouth was all choked up with the ugly truth just lying there at the tip of my tongue. I hated the fact that my anger was connected to my tear ducts. Angry tears continued flowing down my cheeks.**

"**Why do you do this to me again and again Edward? What did I do wrong? Why do you hurt me so much?"**

**I had never dreamed of saying these things to him, ever. But today I was beyond agony, beyond mental consciousness, beyond anger, beyond myself.**

**Edward's voice reached my ears. The tenor of it terrified me. I had never heard his voice so low, so soft, so broken.**

"**I'm s…sorry Bella. I never want to hurt you, ever. It brings me physical pain, actual physical pain, to even think about hurting you. This is the worse pain than my transformation, than Jane's torture, to see you so hurt, because of m…me."**

**My hands started reaching towards him on their own accord. I clenched them and clutched my midsection. He did not know but seeing him in pain, also brought me physical pain.**

"**I want to tell you Bella about that night. Nothing hap..."**

**The same hands that were inching towards him were now clamped tight on my ears. I couldn't hear even one word about that night. "Please don't talk to me about that night. I can't bear to hear it."**

**But he had again instilled that thought in my mind. '**_**Lying naked in the snow with Tanya'. **_**I clamped my ears shut more tightly. Will this ever stop? This constant torture. How could he do this to me? Lies, betrayal, how much could a person take before he or she finally breaks down?**

**And then a sudden thought entered my mind.**

"**Will you tell me one thing?" I asked him.**

"**Anything, L…Bella." He said in that same voice that made my heart clench in pain.**

**I had never even entertained such a thought, let alone voicing it to Edward. But the constant betrayals from his side had forced me to say this type of sham.**

"**Suppose I come to you one day and tell you that when you were hunting, I had gone to Las Vegas, I got drunk and slept with a random guy. What would you do then?**

**It didn't mean anything to me. It was an outrageous thought, a not-so-thought-out thought. I knew to whom my heart, body and soul belonged. It would always remain that way for me. It didn't hold any meaning to me.**

**But it was not so for Edward.**

**He stood in one of his fastest movement. All expressions of sadness, agony, distress were replaced with the purest of pure anger. Fury.**

"**Bella" he roared and the whole forest shook as the sound echoed.**

**I trembled involuntarily, but held my ground. I could not let his furious reaction mar my courage.**

"**This, this is what I'm feeling right now. When you can't even imagine me in such a situation, how do you expect me to just swallow the blatant truth of you…with Tanya?"**

**The ugly truth was staring straight in my face. A sudden wave of hopelessness surrounded me. The truth will never be reversed. This was not some horrible nightmare, from which I would wake up; this was reality. Everything will never return to normal, I realized, and more tears started pouring. The unstoppable salt water made my skin chapped and my mouth dry. I looked up and saw Edward slumped on the ground, his head bowed, in the same kneeling position, in which he had remained for the most part of the day. I could not see his face and did not want to see it. The emotions on his face made me weak made my heart cry out in pain. I hated this.**

**Time passed. As my world was collapsing, nature was busy in its own work. Nothing seemed out of order. The birds were returning to their nests, the bees had stopped humming, it was starting to get colder, and the sky was darkening. It was twilight, again.**

'_It's twilight. It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest in a way. The end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable don't you think?' _**Edward's voice, from such a different time, echoed in my ears.**

'_I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars. Not that you see them here much._**' My own voice, from that same time, echoed back.**

**I had to stop thinking about those times. The happy times, where a bubble encompassed us, in whom I and Edward were only there, cut off from the rest of the world. It looked like a fairy tale. The present, the reality, was a horror story.**

**I had to go back home. Charlie would be waiting for me. I stood up silently and Edward raised his head. I still could not look straight in his eyes.**

"**Bella" he said in a soft yet inquiring tone.**

**I did not reply. What to reply, he would deduce my motives from my actions, so I just started walking. He followed me silently. When I approached the end of the meadow, I stopped. I did not know the way out. He knew this, he also somehow detected that I would not let him carry me on his back, so he just led the path.**

**It reminded me of another time, a pleasant time; our first trip to the meadow. We had walked like this. He led the path and I followed. After that first visit, he had always carried me here, on his back. The thing that stabbed my heart was that, even in the first visit there were more emotions, emotions of the glory of my first love, apprehension, inquisitiveness, hopefulness, happiness. Today no such emotions were there; just negative emotions of anguish, distress, anger accompanied me.**

**I had to control my mind from wandering to distant, glorious memories. My equilibrium was bad enough, mixed with a dazed mind, it would lead to disaster. I didn't want to fall down today, because I knew Edward would catch me. I walked carefully, according to my own standards, but still stumbled. Edward always stretched his hands at my slightest of stumbled, ready to catch me, but I always shook my head and waved him off. Still he picked all the tree branches, uprooted trees, boulders and rocks from my path.**

**Finally, we reached the end of the wilderness, where the pavement started. I knew that I would have to sit in his car if I wanted to reach home at all. I still did not know the exact route to my house from here and I could never reach their on my own. So, I just went to the passenger side of the car and sat there, buckled my seatbelt, and waited for him. Let's just get this over with! He followed my lead, sitting in the driver's seat.**

**I looked out of the window, watching the green and brown blurring in my vision, with the speed. He must have started the heat, because I was not feeling cold anymore. I did not let my mind wander on things which I was avoiding until now. Just some more minutes, I comforted myself.**

**We reached Charlie's home and I unbuckled my seatbelt. Edward was there at my door, he opened it, but did not held out his hand. He just kept standing.**

**I got out of the Volvo, and started walking to the door. I have to say this, I mentally prepared myself. I still could not look at his face.**

"**I want to be alone." I said when I reached the porch steps, not turning back.**

"**I…I understand…I'll not come inside." I was glad that I had not turned back and looked in his face, because his voice only was making me go weak. My waterworks would be starting very soon. What my stupid heart really wanted to do, was to turn back and run into the safe shelter of his arms. But my mind was logical, at least, so I continued in the same monotone.**

"**Please don't watch me from outside also."**

"**Bella"**

**This was enough. I could not take anything more. My insides were already crying out, hearing the pain in his voice.**

"**Please" I said in a whisper and my voice broke on the word. I took the key from under the eaves, opened the door and closed it behind me, without looking at him. When inside, I went straight to the kitchen for…I don't know what and found the note stuck on the refrigerator. It was from Charlie.**

_**Bells, I've got a really important case to solve in Seattle. Will be back in I think 3-4 days. Take care of yourself. I'm in real rush. Call me when you read this.**_

_**Charlie**_

**I breathed a sigh of relief. I did not want Charlie in the house today. I would call him later, he will not notice, he was busy, it was clear from his messy note.**

**I still did not know why I was in the kitchen. My feet, on their accord, started walking towards the kitchen window. My hands pulled the curtain aside and then I knew why I was here. Edward. He was standing in same position, in what seemed like a daze. His head was again bowed and I couldn't see his face, his shoulders were slumped. After several painful minutes, he began walking and went to the driver's side in a flash of a second. He accelerated, took a steep turn and flew down the road. He missed hitting a tree from just mere inches.**

**He is gone.**

**I ran upstairs, tripping and stumbling, entered my room and locked it.**

**This was when I finally let free all my emotions and ultimately broke down.**

_Author's note – Please read and review. Tell me if you like it or not. A review makes me happy; it brings a ridiculously large smile on my face. :-)_

_Thank you __**Constance loves twilight **__and __**Frostedglaze **__for your fabulous reviews__**. **___


	4. Reminiscence

Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyrightinfringement is intended through this story.

Chapter 4 – Reminiscence

I lay there on the cold floor for I don't know how long. It seemed like time had ceased to exist for me. I wished for unconsciousness for the hundredth time. Even sleep was welcome, so that my body and mind could find some amount of peace; but neither came. Sobs wracked my body. Sometimes my cries would turn to hysteric sobs, and sometimes they dulled to a quiet whisper. It seemed like my ribs would crack due to my continuous crying, but still I could not stop.

My defenses had finally collapsed. I did not wanted to do this in front of Edward because I knew that it would cause him pain, and although I hated him at this moment, I still loved him to the core of my heart and I could not see him in pain.

I was weak. I was reminded of my weakness again and again… by rogue vampires, by werewolves, by my dad, by my friends, by my extended family and even by Edward. He did not pointed it as blatantly as others, but still the subtle mentions of me being fragile, glass like, porcelain doll were enough to confirm me of my weakness. I had never felt more weak than at this moment. My strength was in Edward's love and now it was shattered.

Some vague thoughts were coming to my mind; to end this existence, to end this constant suffering, to end my life. These thoughts had come to my mind once, in the darkest days of my life, when Edward was not there; I shuddered internally. And today, they were again surfacing. Life seemed so hard, death seemed easy.

I had to stop my wandering thoughts. My death wouldn't do anyone good. It would perhaps end my suffering, but what about Charlie? He would shatter. Who would help him cope? Renee… she had Phil now, but I knew she loved me. She too would be destroyed. And what about… Edward? I didn't even want to think about this predicament. He had gone to ridiculous measures when he got the false news of my demise.

I needed help. I didn't want to be alone. I needed somebody.

_Alice._ She would be at her home, where Edward could also be. Talking to her on phone didn't seem like such a great idea, and anyways he would hear the whole conversation with his super hearing and extra abilities.

_Jacob_. My long lost best friend. There was a time, a time in my dark ages, where I could share almost everything with him. I always looked at him as my brother, playfully teasing me, encouraging my escapades, my life threatening stunts, extending a warm shoulder to lie my head on. But just like all good things, this also changed. With the entry of the wolf gene into his system, his phasing from a boy to a wolf, he had become more mature, more assertive, and possessive. The coming back of Edward did not go well with him. He had been so keen on trying to make me see that how he was far better for me. With the forceful kiss he had violated our relationship and finally I had to make him see that I belonged to Edward. Things had returned to somewhat normal after his apology and my forgiving him, but they did not went back to how it used to be.

No, he will not understand my problem now. He will just try to make me see that he was better than Edward. He didn't understand that I could never love him in the way he desired. I loved him as my friend, as my brother, but I was not in love with him, I was never in love with him. But he was very stubborn and a jerk, he would just try to make me see otherwise. No, this would not help matters.

_Angela_. It was late. But she'll come if I will insist. But what would I tell her, that Edward had… cheated on me. The thought only started another round of crying. No, I couldn't tell her. The pain was unbearable.

_Renee. _There was a time, not so long ago, when I could share everything with my mother. The time was, when I was in Phoenix. Things had changed considerably, when I came to Forks, and met mythical creatures. Renee would have surely sent me to an asylum if I had continued with my habit of telling her everything.

I could tell her that I and Edward had a terrible fight due to… something. It was a fairly well known phenomenon that human couples do have fights, but I knew my mom. She would just tell me to do some meditation or yoga, visit a counselor or I don't know what, or to stop dating him altogether and find someone else; as if that was possible. My mother could be very spontaneous and child like at any moment. She was still a bit apprehensive about the whole marriage thing. She knew that I and Edward were in deep and we were not just some lovesick teenagers, but she also could not understand how important Edward was to my existence.

So few people whom I really considered my friends. Now with whom could I really bare my heart out, in the midst of all this chaos?

Only one person was left. The most important person. The fundamental part of my existence. _My love, my Edward_; my heart was singing a ridiculous song.

Perfect. I'm just pathetic. Tell him the problem, who had caused the entire problem in the first place.

I knew he would come even if I called him at 2am in the morning. And on a second thought, he didn't have to come because he was always there in my room with me at 2ams. Mostly. And when he was not there, when he was out hunting, he would always keep his phone on. I had even called him on rare occasions when some nightmares had disrupted my sleep. Yeah, I was that pathetic, and he had come immediately.

'_He loves you so much'_, my idiotic heart said.

"I know that but he has lied to me, the blackest of all lies. I can't forgive him this time." I was being more idiotic because I was saying this out loud, to the walls.

'_You will forgive him', _my heart said matter-of-factly.

Shut up.

I just kept lying on the floor, and forced my brain to stop thinking. If I would think, either my heart would conjure up pleasant memories of a gone time, or my mind would draw illustrious graphics of the scene Edward had painted for me in the meadow.

My chest had started to pain with the continuous crying, so I just put my hand on my heart, as if this gesture would stop the pain, when suddenly I felt something hard against my chest. I pulled it out of my sweater's neckline and then gasped in sudden realization. It was the diamond heart Edward had given to me.

I had firstly put it in a bracelet with Jacob's wolf charm. But as the days passed, I somehow realized that Jacob's wolf held more meaning than friendship for me. It was not a friend's gift to another friend; it had meant something much more for him. So, I had removed it and kept it in my desk drawer. I had planned to give it to Jacob's imprint. She deserved it.

And that day, I had realized another thing. Edward's heart didn't deserve to be on my wrist. It was meant to sit against my heart. So, I had put it on a silver chain, a hand me down from my mother. I remembered the day I had asked Edward to put it on my neck, so that it could be where it was meant to be, near my heart. How delighted he had been, how overjoyed, love was flowing out of his eyes. He had kissed me breathless.

Could that expression also be a lie?

Then my eyes wandered to my left hand where Edward's mother's ring sat. Edward had so lovingly put it on my finger. Every time we would meet, he would kiss me, then take my hand and kiss my ring. The pure joy that shined in his eyes with that gesture, the pride, the happiness, the love. I could never forget his beautiful, angelic face shining in the glorious light of those emotions.

Could those emotions also be a lie?

I did not know. My heart and mind were fighting a constant battle. I remembered every day I had spent with Edward. My life had truly started when I met him.

His coming into my dull and dreary life, the death stare he gave me on our first meeting, the threat he posed, my near death accident and him saving me, the building of the undeniable attraction I felt for him, he acting as my perpetual savior in Port Angeles, the confirmation of him being a vampire, my realization of the unconditional and irrevocable love I felt for him, our first trip to the meadow, his confession of his predatory nature and the bloodlust he felt for me, mutual declaration of our love, the beginning of the most unusual relationship, my first run on his back, our first kiss, visiting his family, the one baseball game we played, well I watched as they played, the tracker's interest in me, my first face-to-face with death in the ballet studio, Edward rescuing me again, the prom, our first dance, the most happiest summer I spent, my disastrous birthday, Jasper's attack…

The continuous reel of thought stopped abruptly when I remembered the two days before his… leaving. The two most horrendous days of my life yet far better than my dark ages. He had been so cut off from me. A carved statue made of stone; Edward was never like that. I had thought about talking to him, but I did not.

From that experience, I had known Edward's habit of making decisions that he considered best for me. He had left before because he ridiculously thought that it was best for me to live a normal human life, devoid of him. As if that was possible.

I gasped and started hyperventilating in a sudden realization.

What if he made the decision now also? What if he again thought that leaving was best for me?

No! No! No! I cried out, the pain doubling now, my heart started beating frantically.

Even if he had lied to me, even if he hid the darkest and blackest of truths from me, I did not want him to leave me. I had not even considered such a thing. I never could. I was well aware of the pain and the hole in my chest.

But Edward Cullen could. He is well known for his masochism and decision making on other people's part, mainly on mine.

I got up and ran towards my desk drawer, opened it, and retrieved the stylish, ridiculously expensive phone Edward had given to me, and pressed 1. His speed dial.

He picked up at the first ring.

"Bella", he said frantically.

"Edward", the name still sent flutters in my heart.

"Where are you?" I asked quite hurriedly. My breaths were coming in gasps.

"Umm…nowhere in particular." He replied softly, matter-of-factly, in the same broken whisper. "What's the matter Bella? Are you safe?"

I let out a sigh of relief. He was not sounding aloof. He had not thought about leaving me, yet.

"Can you come at my place, now?" I asked, hesitantly. I hated this, this constant hesitance that had somehow came in our relationship.

"I'm on my way." He said, sounding so happy, that my heart skipped a beat.

"Okay" I said and pressed the end button.

I was riding such a tumultuous roller coaster today. All my emotions were skyrocketing. I was drained. I was still apprehensive about the intimacy thing, so I settled for waiting for him at the living room couch. And my throat was so dry that I thought that it would just develop blisters on it.

I went to the bathroom to wash my face, and stopped dead in my tracks when I felt somebody following me. I turned back and looked, but there was no one. _What was that? _The feeling was still there when I was in the bathroom, so I just hurried up. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and tied my hair in a ponytail with shaking hands. _Why was I feeling this? _There was a constant feeling of someone following me on my tracks. I had never felt like this before. Maybe my brain had gone to an overdrive because of such a hard, toiling day and was now making up things. But it was really strange. I felt cold. I again turned back, and surely there was no one.

I started descending the stairs when I suddenly felt someone touch my back. I gasped and sharply turned backwards. There was no one. But the sharp turn didn't prove very successful for me. I lost my balance and started falling downwards. The last thing I felt was the smell of blood wafting in my nose and making me dizzy and Edward's loud, frantic voice calling out my name, and then I succumbed to a deep unconsciousness.

A/N: - Sorry for the long wait guys. I was out on a vacation with my family.

Hope you like this chapter. Tell me how it is. Just write anything you feel in the box given below. Please, do review.


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